How to Polish a Turd

Here is one of my latest adventures that I felt compelled to share with all the CC Garage readers. This all started sometime in the middle of the night. I was board and browsing online, which is usually a bad combination. I finally end up on a "Popular" car magazines web site. As I'm perusing through it's forums, I run across a contest that their having. This was just not any contest either. This magazine was looking for the best project car, and the winner will end up on the front cover of their mag. A frickin project car on the front cover? Holy crap! An idea was beginning to form in my head, and given how crowded things are up there, that's not an easy task.

There was just one small problem. The post was like four months old and the contest deadline was... yeah, you guessed it, three days away! Could it be done? Could I photograph my old Cutlass, Number 1, burn it's images on a disc, print some photos, and then get the whole package mailed in time? Boy did I smell a challenge, or maybe that was just the aftermath of my dinner. Time was a wasting and I had a bunch of work to do, but my gut feeling was that they didn't want a real project car; they wanted a pretend one. Right now some readers might be wondering what the heck a "pretend project" car is...

Let me tell you my version.

Once upon a time, I entered a '67 Pontiac I had in a car show, in the "project" category. It was a legit project car, but still looked half-way decent. A certain Chevelle was also entered in the same category, and I remember thinking there must have been a mistake because the car had a bitchin paint job, killer rims, and a custom interior, just like 99% of all the other cars there. I was wondering how in the world this car could be considered a "project". Then, as I watched the driver after he had parked, I discovered exactly how.

The Chevelle's driver must have known that he didn't stand a snowballs chance in hell in any of the other categories, so he decided to enter in one where he was sure to win. I watched as he carefully removed the driver and passenger door panels and hid them in the trunk. With the door panels missing, the Chevelle was now considered a "project car". I couldn't believe it! Talk about puttin the fix in, this guy totally stacked the deck in his favor. Well it worked, and he ended up winning the project car category. I guess some people will do anything to get a trophy.

I'm going with the theory that the magazine is looking for a real project car, and I am going to give it my best shot, no pun intended. To make things a little more interesting, the magazine also wanted pictures of your garage, or your car in front of the garage. Now that gave me an idea...

Skip back to paragraph one. Yup, that's the idea I'm talking about. I figured just about everyone was going to send in individual photos, so I decided on a combination photo. This is one that would include almost everything in one shot. Basically, I had to create my own photo shoot featuring none other then Number 1 as the star! Man, did I have my work cut out for me. In case you haven't noticed, Number 1 isn't exactly photogenic. Special effects anyone?

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Here is Number 1 in all it's glory.

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As of this writing the jury is still out on who won the contest. Let's just say I'm not going to hold my breath. Now I'm the one who doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell...

Have You Driven a Ford... Lately?

That tag line was one of the most popular that Ford Motor Company ever had. Not that I'm ever going to meet Mark Fields, but if I did I would tell him it's time to bring that slogan back. The timing is perfect for it, as are the current models. Have you seen the new Ford Taurus? How about the Mustang? Ok, so maybe you've seen them, but have you driven one? What are you waiting for, Chrysler to go bankrupt? Besides the "driven" slogan, I would also resurrect "Ford Has a Better Idea", complete with the light bulb that turns on. But instead the the old incandescent bulb, I would replace it with a compact flourscent so that it fits in the current green scene.








Check out this bad-ass Ford Taurus. Anyone wanna drive to the grocery store?

Now I have owned quite a few Fords over the years, but I'm not exactly a fanatic. The first V-8 car I ever drove just happened to be a '66 Mustang, and my first legit muscle car was a red '67 Mustang fastback, 390 with a top loader 4-speed and 9 inch rearend equipped with a Detroit Locker. My oldest vehicle was a '39 Ford pickup that I had inherited from my dad. He gave it to me on my 25th birthday and like an idiot I sold it a few years later. I also had a '64 Falcon Sprint that I bought from my Uncle. It was equipped with a 260 V-8, 2-speed auto, bucket seats and a factory tach. Throughout the years there were various Ford trucks and Mustangs, and I even had a Torino for awhile. Currently my stable is void of a Ford, but I hope to remedy that soon.

The new Ford Flex really caught my eye, it is one bitchin station wagon. Sorry, I don't consider it a crossover, FUV (family utility vehicle), or sport utility. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's usually a duck, or in this case a station wagon. My only complaint about the Flex is that Ford didn't name it Fairlane. I had heard that was one of the names they were considering, and given how square the vehicle is, it makes perfect sense. They could have also done a retro Fairlane look like they did with the Mustang. A two door Flex, how cool would that be?

So I will be looking for a new car in the near future, and it looks like it might be a Ford. Yes, a 2010 Camaro would be cool, but it looks to me like GM is going to have to declare bankruptcy. If I am laying out my hard earned cash for a new car I want to make sure the company that built it is going to be around for awhile, and not broken up into a million different entities. Also, I don't think the deal with Fiat and Chrysler is going to fly either, as there's really nothing in it for Fiat other then a failing dealer network to distribute their cars. Déjà vu anyone?

Of Garages and Men

The best laid plans of garages and men often go awry. No, this is not some wierd adaptation of a John Steinbeck novel, but rather a personal prospective of what I call "garage nirvana". Buddha described nirvana as "the highest happiness" as well as "the perfect peace of the state of mind that is free from craving, anger and other afflictive states". I guess that about sums up the feeling I get when I stare into a treasure trove filled garage for the first time. I don't know about you, but I find garages full of automobilia pretty fascinating. Lets take a deeper look at this garage fixation that I have.

The way I see it, garages come in three flavors:

1) The Empty Garage.
This is the garage that is always kept spotless. It's plain, flat white walls stand out like beacons in the night. There has never been a vehicle behind it's doors. The polished cement floors have never seen a drop of anything petroleum based. It's vacant space will usually be home to a spare refrigerator and may even temporarly house a folding, portable game table, but mostly it remains empty. The empty garage is not to be confused with one that has been carpeted and has a TV, couch and games in it, for this is no longer considered a garage, it's a redneck living room.

2) The Faux Garage.
This is the garage that from all external appearances appears like a normal garage. Upon closer inspection, it is discovered that it's really a museum in disguise. The floor will usually be checkered tile or epoxy with a speckled pattern. The inside is cleaner then most hospitals and there is enough lighting to perform surgery. It's considerable interior acreage will be occupied by either a late model Corvette and/or an over restored muscle car that was an impulse purchase at a Barrett-Jackson auction. For all intensive purposes, the vehicles never move, hence the polished oil drip pans resting below them. A tool box may be present but it will be brand new, polished to a shine, and full of tools that will never be used.

3) The Used Garage.
This is the garage that is thoroughly used, both in storage capacity and utility. The owner will know every square inch of it, and there may even be pathways cut through all of it's "storage". There may or may not be room for a vehicle, depending on the owners needs or the quality of paint on said vehicle. It will house lots of cool parts and even cooler memories. Most items will be shelved and labeled. Rodents will fear entering this labyrinth for the simple reason that they might be categorizied and put away. You may even feel more at home in this garage then in your room. Some have even chosen to install a commode just to avoid having to use the one in the house. There will usually be an old refrigerator covered in vintage performance stickers strictly used for soda or beer. The used garage is not to be confused with one that is chuck loaded full of junk, for this is no longer considered a garage, it is simply a room of crap or just an oversized trash dumpster owned by a pack rat.


The used garage is my favorite garage because it is the one that says the most about the owner. It is also the one that is the most fascinating. I remember growing up and venturing out in my dad's garage. The casual observer would have just seen a garage full of useless stuff, but I knew better. As I got to know that garage better and better, I discovered all the treasures that it held. Whatever I needed at the time, it seemed that I could find it in there. Nut? Bolt? Porcelain insulator? It was in there. I found everything from flat head parts to radio tubes. It was this very garage that served as my impetus for selling on eBay.

My Uncles garage was actually his auto body shop and outbuildings that I use to wander through. I spent a few summers there learning how to do body work. Back then it seemed like every week I would buy another car and almost everyone of them needed some form of body repair. He always told me he didn't like working on relative's cars, but he would always show me what to do and how to do it. I'll never forget all the stuff he had crammed in that shop of his. These are some of the items I remember:

A very early GM crate motor - 283 with factory dual quads, literally in a crate.

A GMC blower - I think it was a 6-71 on a vintage intake manifold.

A complete '40 Ford Coupe - It was stuffed in an outbuilding and was supposed to be the recipient of the 283 crate motor.

A NOS '57 Chevy front clip - This was completely assembled with chrome and everything.

A late 60's Barracuda - A complete car stuffed in one of the corners of the shop. I remember it was black with flames. The story was he was holding it for a guy who was in prison...

A really old Ford tow truck (which my cousin managed to get), various hood ornaments hanging around, and tons of other cool stuff.


My new garage is currently full of a lot of stuff. I recently moved into it (6 months ago) and I am working on putting everything away. (so I'm slow, sue me) I have a lot of automobilia, posters, metal signs, die cast models, etc, etc. The list seems endless, but once it's all in place, the joint should look pretty cool. I still have to figure out where I am going to put my parking meter. Yes, I have one of those. It's a good thing my project car does not have a nice paint job on it, because it probably won't see the inside of this garage until summer. Park a car in the garage? What a concept! I can't wait.

Garages full of cool stuff is nothing new, but few folks have ventured into this foray of the automobile world. I thought it would be a great idea to do a series of articles on garages and all the neat stuff that some of them contain. I even wrote a new online magazine (an e-zine) that was looking for contributors and ideas, and told them of my idea. Nada, nothing, ziltch, zippo. I guess they didn't like my pitch. Oh well, nothing ventured nothing gained. I guess I'll just have to settle for blogging about it here. So if there are any fellow garage lovers out there I hope that this article has peaked your "garagosity" or maybe provided a little "garage nirvana" for you.

If You Build It, They Will Come

Ok, so I'm not Kevin Costner and this ain't no Field of Dreams, but I guess you could call it my garage of dreams. Yes, I built a new garage. You see, I was sort of getting "evicted" from my old three car garage. The eviction was being served by teenagers, and exercise equipment, and cats, and... well, I think you get the picture. Technically I guess you could say I have a five car garage, but right now I can't even get one car in either of them, as I am still in the process of "moving".

All of this was done pre-recession, when I had abundant side jobs. I'm just now getting around to writing about it, now that all the side jobs are gone... along with all the money! What's that old saying? Oh yeah, "when you have the money, you don't have the time, and when you have the time, you don't have the money!" So I had the money but not the time, so I had someone build me a garage. That's a stretch for me, Mr. "Do It Yourself", but I satisified my inner Tim Taylor by doing the electrical, lights and interior walls. Can you say Tool Time?

Here is the basic frame work being erected.

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Now they are starting on the roof. When you do this job you cannot be afraid of heights.

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With the roof almost finished, it was time to start on the sides.

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Now it is starting to resemble a garage.

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Getting closer now. I can almost see a car parked in there.

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Just about finished. All that is left is the garage door.

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Voila! Instant Garage. Now I just have to finish the wiring, lights, and interior! Fun, fun, fun!

Stay tuned as I tackle the interior and try and squeeze all my stuff into it. From the looks of things I think I am going to have to thin out some of my junk. Hey, I gotta have room for my beer signs and my Keep On Truckin poster!

Wax on... Wax Off

I now have a new appreciation for what the Karate Kid's Daniel LaRusso went through when Mr. Miyagi was teaching him the clockwise/counter-clockwise hand motions, which he referred to as "Wax on, wax off". Was the paint really that bad on Number 1? Aye Danielson.

Let's face it, Number 1's paint is 36 years old! The original factory paint has seen better days. I am not a big fan of primered cars, unless the final paint job is close behind. While the Olds might actually look better in primer, I wanted to see what I could do with the original paint. A lot has to be said for OEM paint with patina.

Here is what the original paint looked like after being neglected for years. Any more rust and the car would look orange!

This is a nice "before and after" shot after a lot of color sanding.

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I ended up wet sanding the entire car. It really cleaned up the old paint. If I were to buff the paint out it would still have an amazing shine, but I was satisfied with it just being one color.

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I cleaned up the original hood on Number 1 even though I have a fiberglass ram air one for it. It will probably be awhile before I bolt on the ram air hood and I wanted the car to look as good as possible. That may be a little difficult to achieve because I have also started to remove all the chrome and emblems. I am going to slowly start the body work on Number 1. Remember, I said slowly. It doesn't need anything too major, at least as far as I can see... Stay tuned to see if I have opened up Pandora's box.

It Lives! Olds Cutlass Raised From the Dead

So I got my '72 Cutlass, Number 1, running great after quite a bit of work. Funny thing about cars that sit for long periods of time - they tend to fall apart. This is the case with Number one's interior, the front seat to be exact. After pulling off my custom seat covers (T-shirts) the seat looked as though a gang of squirrels had rumbled on it.

See, what did I tell you. Amazingly, the back seat only has one tear in it. Maybe my squirrel theory is not that far off...

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This is beyond covering with a seat cover so I had to come up with a temporary solution. The seat frame is in excellent condition as well as the springs, plus it is a split bench with the not-so-common fold down armrest in the middle, so I definitely want to keep it for the car. While I can't afford to get it re-covered right now, it can't stay in the car either. I came up with the idea of putting in some bucket seats on a temporary basis, but got sticker shock when I started pricing '72 era bucket seats. The prices were outragous! What the heck, are the seat frames made of gold or something? I was almost set to buy a pair of those racing type seats you see in all the imports (yea, I know) when I came across a deal too good to pass up.

I found a set of bucket seats advertised on craigslist for a paltry $40 dollars. The ad said they were out of a Mazda RX7 and in very good condition. Hmmm, sounded like it might be worth a look. When I got there I discovered they were non-electric, leather covered, and felt good to sit in. Sold! Even though these came with the tracks, the Japanese must assemble their cars vertically, because the bolt holes in the tracks were all facing horizontal. I'll show them! That's what good old American angle iron is made for, even though the piece I used was probably made in China.

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This is what I had to do to bolt the Mazda seats

in. Yeah, I know their burgandy, but they are also temporary. They bolted right to the original holes with my custom angle brackets, if you can believe that!

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Here is the burgandy bun rester all bolted in. One down, one more to go. These seats should fill in nicely until the original split bench seat is ready to re-install.

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After my bargin basement seats are installed and years of dust vacuumed up, the interior should be driver quality. Up next, it will be time to address the exterior. I'm not a big fan of primer, and I love patina, so stay tuned to see what I come up with to make Number 1 look a little more presentable and less like a rusting oil tanker.

Christmas and Music but not Christmas Music

As I write this on Christmas eve, it is very cold and rainy outside. The only way it could be more Christmas-like would be if it started snowing. I've really been falling behind in my blogging duties, as this is the first post I have managed to write in months. I have been doing minor tweeks here and there to the page, as some of you may have noticed.

The biggest change has been the addition of a radio of sorts. You really need to cruise down to the bottom of the page and check out the Garage Radio. The Garage Radio is powered by playlist.com, which is completely free. My music tastes are pretty diverse, but the main theme is eighties rock and roll. (Are you rockin with Dokken?) When was the last time you heard Convoy? It's on there along with a bunch of others. Hit the play button and crank up your speakers!

I've got a few more presents to wrap, so I had better stop playing on the computer. I am planning to post a lot more blogs in the new year so stay tuned for some interesting stuff. I hope all my readers have a very happy holiday and prosperous New Year.